The Quiet Buzz in my Soul: Coping with Anxiety

Two years ago, I decided to write out my experience dealing with anxiety in the very moment it was happening. Here is the raw, unfiltered, unedited, free-writing style description in real time of that moment. I hope this inspires you just a little bit to keep hanging on, and that despite the dark moments, all will be well. 

 I just finished an amazing meeting with my ministry team. The relief was amazing. I had prayed and thought about this for a long time. How will the meeting go? How do we make sure that we accomplish what we set out to accomplish? It was a daunting task, but we made it happen. I felt so relieved. However, this story is not about the success of my team meeting. It's about something much more significant than that.   The night before I prayed specifically for strength, wisdom, knowing how to prioritize my day ahead. I knew it was going to be a challenge. There was so much work to do including cleaning the backyard, cleaning our house, knowing which decorations to buy, knowing what gift to buy, and of course catching up on school work. I have a love hate relationship with our homeschooling process. I love so many things about their ELA and MATH classes. However, it is ALOT of work and requires a very organized parent, which I am not. 

    I imagined the day being spent whirling about in a beautiful flow of productivity. Instead, I was catapulted into a rush of debilitating tinglys from my head to toes. The "tinglys" are when my whole body feels like it is pulsating. My brain feels like it's soaking in a soupy black tar. It’s stuck, it cannot see past the suffocating feeling. It is hard to think, hard to plan, hard to just get moving. I tell myself self-defeating things like, "This is unbearable" "There's no one to call on to help me with this." "I'm suffering alone." "What's the point of pushing myself so hard for nothing?" "Nobody cares that I'm going through this." "Everyone in my life sees me as such a strong person. They have no idea how much I struggle. I'm alone in this." In moments like this when I get the tinglys and the accompanying negative self-talk that goes along with that, I do one of many things.  A.  Sit down with a planner, pen, and paper and try to fix things by thinking it through. This option doesn't always help because my brain cannot think. My mind is frazzled and forcing myself to think makes it hurt more. B. Pace back and forth breathing in and out while cleaning random things in a very unsystematic way, telling myself I just need to get up and do something. or C. Steal away to the back room, kneel down by my bed, pray aloud, claim scriptures and beg God to give me a sense of relief. Today, I chose C. It helped, and I added the other tactics that also helped mildly. One unexpected thing  that really helped was being comforted by my husband's calmness. This is new and very strange to me. But, I welcome it and embrace it. 

    In the end the anxiety is still there. Writing this all down is part of me quelling the quiet buzz in my soul that is still brewing. I do have to trust God in this. I have to know that all will be okay. What am I so worried about anyway? Judgement. Being viewed as Bad housekeeper?  Raising academically undisciplined kids, a time waster, not enough food to feed people, and the list goes on and on. How do I let all of those go? Just take one moment at a time. Feeling judged doesn't equate to being deserving of judgement. 

The sun has set, it is dark, and I must continue to get things done. This time around, I pray for a stronger grip on this soupy tar of mind debilitation. I will tell myself positive things instead of negative things. I will choose to believe that all will be well. I will give myself empathy and compassion. If God grants this to me, I must be as gentle with myself as He is to me. 

Central Coast Surf Trip

There are so many perks to homeschooling. One of the best parts is going on little adventures during random times during the week. We can enjoy things on an off season where people are doing other regular things like being in school or going to work. A few weeks ago together with 2 other families, we trekked to the Central coast to take our kids surfing. We'd been waiting for months to make this happen since it was rescheduled from early spring to late summer. The anticipation was great and our time had come. Our adventure began on a Wednesday evening when my kids and I arrive to our hotel. We got a late start, but we made it to our San Luis Obispo hotel just in enough time to take advantage of the time there. Here are some random happy moments from our surf trip. 

Hotel Arrival and Pool Adventures

• Late evening turned to night swim in semi-heated pool.  New friends make connections and new neighbors find commonality, all by the poolside. 
• Flatbread margherita pizza, apple and brie sandwich we eat while shivering next to the outdoor heat lamp. 
• Fire pit gathering with Lozito and Dean kids. For a moment we watch and forget we have children. We appreciate their laughs and giggles they get to have before the next day's adventure awaits. 

Surf Morning and Surf Fun 

• People watching during breakfast. The foreign looking smartly dressed family of mom, dad, son, daughter captured our attention. Mom with bags under her eyes, Dad with confident expression, gobbling food as he walked outside. Son and daughter expressed curious looks as they smiled at Shiloh, Norah and Benjamin. There was a mutual subconscious connection as they exchanged glances. Maybe they were watching us, like we were watching them. 
• 4 adventurous cousin-friends lay flat on their surfboards far out in the ocean. They chat and hang out as they wait for the next wave to come with their surf coaches.  I see them and I feel as if I'm out there with them riding the waves. 

Street Stroll, Lunch, and More Beach Fun

• Group stroll to the sandwich spot, with empty streets and empty restaurants. Trickles of older people appeared here and there, but the town was mostly quiet. The suggested 6 minute walk from the beach was more like an 8 or 9 minute walk as we sashayed and strolled. Sashayed and strolled. No hurry, no worry. 
• Prayer said among the 4 families represented. Comment from interested onlooker, "That was beautiful, keep praying." 
• Smiley, jovial CeCe, the cashier at Hoagies. I appreciated the reggae music, interesting decor, and clean bathrooms. What the sandwich lacked in veggie options and robust flavors, CeCe somewhat made up for it in smiles, kindness, and a free drink.  
• Back to the beach with boogie boards for all to enjoy.

A Speedy Send Off and Sunset Drive Home 

• Ally's Nick and Boualai helped us make our goal of departing at 5:00 from their house.  Boogie boards dropped off, Showers taken, quick chat and a few laughs then a good send off.  Our arrival to their home at 4:26, departure at 4:56.  We did it. It happened.  We left when we said we would.  We can keep our word. We are timely people. 
• We recount the day on the drive home. The beautiful sunset guides us along highway 41. It's a simple stretch that takes us directly home. We listen to Cousin Quinn's campaign speech, a couple Marcos, a couple stories. Almost home, and in bed we go. 

I'm so thankful for these moments. I enjoyed every bit. I love I have chill people to hang out with. I like that my kids can enjoy time with good kids. The freedom and joy of educating my kids like this is just so irresistible. I look forward to more adventures this year. I'm so grateful I get to live like this with my children. 

Time with God in Nature

Creatively stifled
Spiritually diminished

Emotionally numb

My legs say, “I’m finished” 

(a few days later...)

On a mossy granite rock I sit 

Quietly reading Psalms 106

Ancient words sink bit by bit

I receive it deeply, my soul lifts

(In reflection...)

There was a time of assuring peace, 

Then a time of reasonably busy

Soon came a time of needed rest

And now, I’m no longer in a frenzy 

(Present moment..)

Here comes the quiet

Then comes the still 

A few minutes with God in nature 

I'm refreshed and fulfilled 

Morning Reflections before a Busy day

My Bible readings came from Proverbs, Psalms, and John's gospel. Such poignant and relevant truths I want to hold fast to today. 

1. Fear of the Lord  

"The fear of the Lord teaches wisdom... (Proverbs 15:33a)

The fear of the Lord is to obey His words, acknowledge His power, understand His love for us, grasp the depth of His love for us, know that He is trustworthy. Fearing God means to be at peace with He is and trusting Him enough to truly respect and honor Him. 

2. Humility 

 "...and humility comes before honor." (Proverbs 15:33b)

It takes humility to know that God is a sovereign God and that His ways are better than our ways. Humility in all things leaves room for God to bring you higher in spiritual matters. 

3.  Promise of Salvation

"May your unfailing love come to me O Lord, your salvation according to your promise." (Psalms 119:41)

I choose to fully embrace the promise of salvation. The beauty of taking hold of Jesus' righteousness through faith. He is mighty to save. His righteousness covers me. I walk in confidence of God's complete salvation He has towards me. This core truth is what keeps in hidden in Christ in God. It is the light in my being. As the new testament writer says, Jesus Christ in me is the hope of glory. What joy, what hope abides in my being as I embrace Christ in my life. I have hope for a future life in heaven with Him. 

4.  Presence of the Holy Spirit

"But the counselor the Holy Spirit whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you." (John 14:26)

How prone I am to forget. Thank God for the Holy Spirit that brings to mind Jesus' truths. Today, I choose to trust that the Holy Spirit will guide me into all truth. His presence is with me and I choose to be aware of that as I complete my tasks today. 

Thank you Lord for these truths. For all of these precious insights, I am grateful. 

Hope In the Morning

I have hope in the morning...

The day is new, dreams melted worries away
I wake up ready to create a beautiful day

The air is crisp, the sun is bright

Nature tells me it’s going to be alright

An empty journal page, a ready writing pen

Reminds me to write out my blessings again

The kids asleep, the hubby's outside

This quietness says “You have space to confide”

The Lord awaits expressions of a joyful heart

I'm so thankful this is how my morning starts  

Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning. (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Norah’s Birthday

Grateful Moments of an amazing birthday celebration:

The Walls twins came early to help set up. Comfortably watching the kids, walking the trails, and exploring the creek. They did all this as I finished getting ready.

Pizza ordered and ready. Perfectly timed for energetic and hungry children. 

Cake picked up, cupcakes grabbed. 

Karaoke singing with nervous yet brave kids.

5-year old best friends Gavin and Benjamin trot side by side, hanging out like David and Jonathan. 

Childhood songs playfully performed alongside the Artist Formerly Known as Marlon Mackey. He's also my brother. 

Calming, inspirational song my mother sings while wide-eyed children enjoy.

Pinata shenanigans keep the party going.

Evening after party chill session with close friends and immediate family.

Birthday blessings spoken from father of the birthday girl while paused from a zoom meeting.

Spontaneous gymnastics show choreographed by future professional gymnasts. 

A long day well spent, surrounded by so much love and joy.  

This day will resonate in my heart and be an inspiration for future gatherings. It’s imprinted on my mind on what it looks like to live life with beautiful with people I love. My family, my friends, and my daughter bask in the joy of her special day. For all of these precious moments…I am immensely grateful. 

Signs of Spring

I sit outside on my hippie exercise mat and enjoy the morning sun warming my skin. The light breeze gently moves past my arms and says hello. The chorus of House martins, California quail, a rooster's crow, and whole litany of birds provide the soundtrack for this pleasant morning outdoors. The fragrant elderberry tree gracefully bud. It incites an anticipation for picking berries later in the season. For all of these things I am grateful. 

The trimmed down grass creates a park and forest-like atmosphere to this backyard oasis. It's been a team effort to make that happen. John, Mia, Caleb, David, owners and renters together. I am grateful for the hard workers who helped to create this beautiful landscape. 

Yes, they have cut the wildflowers down a bit.  But the signs of spring are still here and my family and I are all in. We're identifying our local flowers: Menzies fiddlenecks, Wild hyacinth, Rusty Popcorn flower, Star gazers, Tomcat clover, Miniature lupine, Purple fairy lanterns, mountain pretty face, and so much more. With names like that how can one not be fascinated? 

Spring awakens us to wonder and beauty. This is our school, our daily education. It’s natural, it’s awe-inspiring, and it's so easy to be allured. This is how I've hoped and prayed it would be. Life is school, school is life. God's nature speaks and we intend to keep listening.