Two years ago, I decided to write out my experience dealing with anxiety in the that very moment. Here is the raw, unfiltered, unedited, free-writing style description of a real time moment of that. I hope this inspires you just a little bit to keep hanging on, and that despite the dark moments, will be well.
I just finished an amazing meeting with my ministry team. The relief was amazing. I had prayed and thought about this for a long time. How will the meeting go? How do we make sure that we accomplish what we set out to accomplish? It was a daunting task, but we made it happen. I felt so relieved. However, this story is not about the success of my team meeting. It's about something much more significant than that. The night before I prayed specifically for strength, wisdom, knowing how to prioritize my day ahead. I knew it was going to be a challenge. There was so much work to do including cleaning the backyard, cleaning our house, knowing which decorations to buy, knowing what gift to buy, and of course catching up on school work. I have a love hate relationship with our homeschooling process. I love so many things about their ELA and MATH classes. However, it is ALOT of work and requires a very organized parent, which I am not.
I imagined the day being spent whirling about in a beautiful flow of productivity. Instead, I was catapulted into a rush of debilitating tinglys from my head to toes. The "tinglys" are when my whole body feels like it is pulsating. My brain feels like it's soaking in a soupy black tar. It’s stuck, it cannot see past the suffocating feeling. It is hard to think, hard to plan, hard to just get moving. I tell myself self-defeating things like, "This is unbearable" "There's no one to call on to help me with this." "I'm suffering alone." "What's the point of pushing myself so hard for nothing?" "Nobody cares that I'm going through this." "Everyone in my life sees me as such a strong person. They have no idea how much I struggle. I'm alone in this." In moments like this when I get the tinglys and the accompanying negative self-talk that goes along with that, I do one of many things. A. Sit down with a planner, pen, and paper and try to fix things by thinking it through. This option doesn't always help because my brain cannot think. My mind is frazzled and forcing myself to think makes it hurt more. B. Pace back and forth breathing in and out while cleaning random things in a very unsystematic way, telling myself I just need to get up and do something. or C. Steal away to the back room, kneel down by my bed, pray aloud, claim scriptures and beg God to give me a sense of relief. Today, I chose C. It helped, and I added the other tactics that also helped mildly. One unexpected thing that really helped was being comforted by my husband's calmness. This is new and very strange to me. But, I welcome it and embrace it.
In the end the anxiety is still there. Writing this all down is part of me quelling the quiet buzz in my soul that is still brewing. I do have to trust God in this. I have to know that all will be okay. What am I so worried about anyway? Judgement. Being viewed as Bad housekeeper? Raising academically undisciplined kids, a time waster, not enough food to feed people, and the list goes on and on. How do I let all of those go? Just take one moment at a time. Feeling judged doesn't equate to being deserving of judgement.
The sun has set, it is dark, and I must continue to get things done. This time around, I pray for a stronger grip on this soupy tar of mind debilitation. I will tell myself positive things instead of negative things. I will choose to believe that all will be well. I will give myself empathy and compassion. If God grants this to me, I must be as gentle with myself as He is to me.
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