The Quiet Buzz in my Soul: Coping with Anxiety

Two years ago, I decided to write out my experience dealing with anxiety in the very moment it was happening. Here is the raw, unfiltered, free-writing style description in real time of that moment. I took a moment to step away and write this all out. I hope this inspires you just a little bit to keep hanging on, and that despite the dark moments, all will be well. 

I just finished an amazing meeting with my ministry team. The relief was amazing. I had prayed and thought about this for a long time. How will the meeting go? How do we make sure that we accomplish what we set out to accomplish? It was a daunting task, but we made it happen. I felt so relieved. However, I’m writing just to share the success of my team meeting. I’m writing to share about something much more significant than that.  

Last night, I prayed specifically for strength, and wisdom, to know how to prioritize my day ahead. I knew it was going to be a challenge. There was so much work to do including cleaning the backyard, cleaning our house, knowing which decorations to buy, knowing what gift to buy, and of course catching up on school work. I have a love hate relationship with our homeschooling process. I love so many things about their ELA and MATH classes. However, it is ALOT of work and requires a very organized parent, which I am not. 

I imagined the day being spent whirling about in a beautiful flow of productivity. Instead, I was catapulted into a rush of debilitating tinglys from my head to toes. The "tinglys" are when my whole body feels like it is pulsating. My brain feels like it's soaking in a soupy black tar. It’s stuck, it cannot see past the suffocating feeling. It is hard to think, hard to plan, hard to just get moving. 

I tell myself self-defeating things like, "This is unbearable" "There's no one to call on to help me with this." "I'm suffering alone." "What's the point of pushing myself so hard for nothing?" "Nobody cares that I'm going through this." "Everyone in my life sees me as such a strong person. They have no idea how much I struggle. I'm alone in this." 

In moments like this when I get the tinglys and the accompanying negative self-talk that goes along with that, I do one of many things:

 A.  Sit down with a planner, pen, and paper and try to fix things by thinking it through. This option doesn't always help because my brain cannot think. My mind is frazzled and forcing myself to think makes it hurt more. 

B. Pace back and forth breathing in and out while cleaning random things in a very unsystematic way, telling myself I just need to get up and do something. 

C. Steal away to the back room, kneel down by my bed, pray aloud, claim scriptures and beg God to give me a sense of relief. 

Today, I chose C. It helped, and I added the other tactics that also helped mildly. One unexpected thing  that really helped was being comforted by my husband's calmness. This is new and very strange to me. But, I welcome it and embrace it. 

In the end the anxiety is still there. Writing this all down is part of me quelling the quiet buzz in my soul that is still brewing. I do have to trust God in this. I have to know that all will be okay. What am I so worried about anyway? Judgement? Being viewed as a bad housekeeper?  Raising academically undisciplined kids, this whole gathering being a time waster, fear of not having enough food to feed people, and the list goes on and on. How do I let all of this go? I have to choose to just take one moment at a time. Feeling judged doesn't equate to being deserving of judgement. 

The sun has set, it is dark, and I must continue to get things done. This time around, I pray for a stronger grip on this soupy tar of mind debilitation. I will tell myself positive things instead of negative things. I will choose to believe that all will be well. I will give myself empathy and compassion. If God grants this to me, I must be as gentle with myself as He is to me. 

Central Coast Surf Trip

There are so many perks to homeschooling. One of the best parts is going on little adventures during random times during the week. We can enjoy things on an off season where people are doing other regular things like being in school or going to work. A few weeks ago together with 2 other families, we trekked to the Central coast to take our kids surfing. We'd been waiting for months to make this happen since it was rescheduled from early spring to late summer. The anticipation was great and our time had come. Our adventure began on a Wednesday evening when my kids and I arrive to our hotel. We got a late start, but we made it to our San Luis Obispo hotel just in enough time to take advantage of the time there. Here are some random happy moments from our surf trip. 

Hotel Arrival and Pool Adventures

• Late evening turned to night swim in semi-heated pool.  New friends make connections and new neighbors find commonality, all by the poolside. 
• Flatbread margherita pizza, apple and brie sandwich we eat while shivering next to the outdoor heat lamp. 
• Fire pit gathering with Lozito and Dean kids. For a moment we watch and forget we have children. We appreciate their laughs and giggles they get to have before the next day's adventure awaits. 

Surf Morning and Surf Fun 

• People watching during breakfast. The foreign looking smartly dressed family of mom, dad, son, daughter captured our attention. Mom with bags under her eyes, Dad with confident expression, gobbling food as he walked outside. Son and daughter expressed curious looks as they smiled at Shiloh, Norah and Benjamin. There was a mutual subconscious connection as they exchanged glances. Maybe they were watching us, like we were watching them. 
• 4 adventurous cousin-friends lay flat on their surfboards far out in the ocean. They chat and hang out as they wait for the next wave to come with their surf coaches.  I see them and I feel as if I'm out there with them riding the waves. 

Street Stroll, Lunch, and More Beach Fun

• Group stroll to the sandwich spot, with empty streets and empty restaurants. Trickles of older people appeared here and there, but the town was mostly quiet. The suggested 6 minute walk from the beach was more like an 8 or 9 minute walk as we sashayed and strolled. Sashayed and strolled. No hurry, no worry. 
• Prayer said among the 4 families represented. Comment from interested onlooker, "That was beautiful, keep praying." 
• Smiley, jovial CeCe, the cashier at Hoagies. I appreciated the reggae music, interesting decor, and clean bathrooms. What the sandwich lacked in veggie options and robust flavors, CeCe somewhat made up for it in smiles, kindness, and a free drink.  
• Back to the beach with boogie boards for all to enjoy.

A Speedy Send Off and Sunset Drive Home 

• Ally's Nick and Boualai helped us make our goal of departing at 5:00 from their house.  Boogie boards dropped off, Showers taken, quick chat and a few laughs then a good send off.  Our arrival to their home at 4:26, departure at 4:56.  We did it. It happened.  We left when we said we would.  We can keep our word. We are timely people. 
• We recount the day on the drive home. The beautiful sunset guides us along highway 41. It's a simple stretch that takes us directly home. We listen to Cousin Quinn's campaign speech, a couple Marcos, a couple stories. Almost home, and in bed we go. 

I'm so thankful for these moments. I enjoyed every bit. I love I have chill people to hang out with. I like that my kids can enjoy time with good kids. The freedom and joy of educating my kids like this is just so irresistible. I look forward to more adventures this year. I'm so grateful I get to live like this with my children.